Down the Hobbit Hole and Other Stories
by Rose and Psyche
Summary: In which Smaug, the Ring and the Arkenstone are Revealed for what they Truly are. The Way the Hobbit really went (Tolkien was misinformed). No Romance...because honestly, did you spot any in the book?
1. What Gandalf Found There

Down the Hobbit Hole and What Gandalf Found There

* * *

 _To be great is to be misunderstood._

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

* * *

Once upon a time in a land far away, where the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe, there was a hole in the ground, which had a hobbit (I think that's the way it goes…). Of course (as you all know) the hole, wasn't simply a hole. There were no straggling roots, or white grubs, or strange creeping things; indeed, Bilbo Baggins (no doubt, you've heard of _him_ ) considered it the finest hole in the Shire.

And so did Gandalf. _He_ liked it so much that without so much as a by-your-leave, he invited thirteen of his shaggiest, grumpiest, smelliest friends there for tea (and marked up perfectly nice green paint with a nasty, ugly rune). I need not recount how the door had burst open, thrust aside by a perfect _sea_ of Dwarves, flattening poor Mr Baggins…but I ought to mention something that Tolkien did not; namely that Bilbo Baggins was never quite right in the head again after Bombur accidentally landed on him in the hustle.

This is very important for the rest of the story and might even explain why Bilbo signed the contract which Thorin Oakensheild thrust under his nose; a contract that included various clauses related to (and not excluding)…wet feet, hunger and _incineration_ …it also explains why he giggled when Kili commented that he'd rather have hair on his face than on his feet (even though it wasn't particularly clever, or funny).

And then there was that map ("Thorin, my dear fellow," said Gandalf, "You're looking at it upside-down.") and that key ("Ow," said Bilbo when it slipped out of Dori's fingers and landed on his toe) and the _mission_ ("You, Master Baggins," Thorin had said with great solemnity, "Are to break into a Dragon's Lair and tell us if he is really still alive…and perhaps, if you happen to see, it, _find a shining stone_ which is of great value to my family _."_ ). Bilbo had the sense to be slightly disturbed by this ("I have stones in my front walk," he'd said, rising and falling on his toes, "Wouldn't _those_ do?")

"Now that we have our burglar," Gandalf said in a more serious tone as he lit his pipe. "Our thoughts should turn to the fifteenth member of this quest."

Thorin looked dubious. "Gandalf," he said warningly, "If you've pawned another Halfling off on me…"

Gandalf raised his hand calmingly, "Peace Thorin. Of course not. The fifteenth member-"

He cleared his throat, "The fifteenth member is a singular person of unusual and striking appearance-"

Thorin rolled his eyes.

"Don't interrupt me, Thorin," Gandalf said stiffly. "You might as well give up this quest entirely without the help of this fifteenth member. Now will you hear me out?"

Thorin's face had taken on a look of long-suffering as he made an acquiescing motion with his hand. Kili grinned at Fili and there was a chuckle from the direction of Dwalin. Bilbo noticed for the first time that the grandfather clock in the corner was still ticking; the brass pendulum flashed light like the Eye of a Dragon. He shivered.

" _As_ I was saying," Gandalf said a bit more loudly than necessary. "This fifteenth member is a long lived person with very great wisdom, a thorough knowledge of the paths you will travel and a certain….shall we say... _diplomacy…_ which Dwarves do not always possess."

Thorin opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"Who is this person?" Balin (being the only truly diplomatic person in the room) asked pleasantly.

There was a long silence. Bilbo, considering Gandalf's dramatic nature, listened earnestly for a knock at the door that would herald this strange and spectacular individual. From the corner, with perfect timing, the grandfather clock cleared its throat and stuck One…a long, apprehensive note. As the sound faded from the silent and smoke-filled air (all the Dwarves had pulled out their pipes some while back), Gandalf raised his hands and shook his head, looking from face to face with an expression of hurt and surprise.

Thorin's eyebrow rose as he drew at his pipe, blowing a long, dragonish cloud of smoke around his head.

"You silly fools," Gandalf said haltingly. "It's me of course. I'm coming too."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** This is the first in a series of five short spoofs poking fun at _The Hobbit_ book and movies (mostly the book). This particular one was inspired by all those 'fifteenth member of the company' stories which seem to be swimming about. We would like to humbly suggest that _Gandalf_ was the fifteenth member.

We have written one other (rather more serious) piece of _Hobbit_ fanfiction, entitled ' _The Only Right_ ', wherein Bilbo tells Thorin why the Arkenstone doesn't really matter.

Reviews are always welcome!

~Psyche


	2. Gollum and the Thirteen Dwarves

Gollum and the Thirteen Dwarves

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 _A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?_

~ Albert Einstein

* * *

And so the company set out. All fifteen of them. There were ponies and things and they rode along quite cheerfully in a staid and magnificent manner ("North is _that_ way, Uncle," Fili mentioned, nudging his mount next to Thorin's). And dangers were met, most notably in the form of large and lumpy characters generally known in those parts as cave trolls (Gandalf came in the nick of time to pull off a dramatic rescue of the company). Then there were mountains of gargantuan and frightening aspect and a trap door which dropped conveniently into the realm of Goblins (no, _not_ the ones from _The Princess and the Goblin,_ as similar as they may seem). Bilbo was separated from the company (there's a rumor going around that he was _dropped_ ) and spent some time with a schizophrenic what's-it with an unquenchable appetite for riddles…and something else which Bilbo thoughtfully pinched.

It all came out afterwards when the company was once again recounting their tales of trial and tribulation. They were particularly interested in the story of their smallest member, especially when he held up, with an air of mystery, a ring ("looks like a bit of rusty pipe," Bofur mentioned to Gloin).

"See," Bilbo said excitedly, "When I put it on, it turns me invisible!"

He put it on.

They could still see him.

Thorin shuffled, then poked Gandalf. "He's loopy," he muttered.

"So it would seem," Gandalf said, attempting to hide his disappointment, but sounding rather like he had planned it all along ( _Being a Wizard for Dummies_ , page 35, Rule 164). "I have heard of cases like these. I suggest we humor him."

Thorin raised an eyebrow, "What is the use in that?"

"There may be some great meaning in all this," Gandalf continued, saying the first thing that came to mind. _When in doubt, sound mysterious_ ( _Being a Wizard for Dummies_ , page 47, Rule 305). It worked every time. "In fact," Gandalf continued, receiving sudden inspiration, "What better way to instill courage into our Burglar than to let him believe he can turn invisible? Don't you _want_ him to go bravely forth and find the Arkenstone under the nose of Smaug?"

Thorin shrugged; even he could see the sense in that. "If it does not slow us down, then it is no matter to me."

"Will you do it?" Gandalf asked.

"I will do nothing," Thorin replied.

"It's gold, can't you see?" Bilbo was still talking in the background.

"I suppose it does look a bit like gold, laddie," Balin said kindly. "If the light is right."

Bilbo glowed, then continued speaking, "It was a very odd story the chap had to tell."

Gandalf moved closer in a secretive manner, pretending to be uninterested when he was really expiring from curiosity ( _Being a Wizard for Dummies_ , page 3, Rule 16).

"Gollum, I mean," Bilbo said when the Dwarves looked puzzled. "There was this magic mirror, you see, and magic words that went something like this, _Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is ugliest of us all?_ You see, in the land where Gollum came from, it is a great virtue to be ugly. Apparently, Gollum's stepfather fancied himself the Ugliest in the Land until the mirror said otherwise. Gollum, poor fellow, was banished and his stepfather sent a huntsman after him for his heart and Gollum only escaped by taking refuge in the Goblin Caves."

"Now that _is_ a sad story," Balin said comfortingly.

"Loopy," Thorin muttered. "I knew it." He nodded curtly to the other Dwaves, "Do as Gandalf says."

They all looked at each other hopelessly, then back at Bilbo.

"I say, wasn't Bilbo just standing there?" Oin said.

"I do believe he's invisible!" Gloin added for good measure.

"I can't see him at all!" Fili declared.

"I can see him even less than you can!" Kili argued.

Bilbo smiled happily and Thorin turned away, shaking his head.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** All the result of being sat on by Bomber at the beginning of the story...


	3. The Elves and the Shoemaker

The Elves and the Shoemaker

* * *

 _One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others._

~Lewis Carroll

* * *

You are probably all familiar with the Woodland Realm and the Elves and Mirkwood and What Happened There. The Dwarves were taken prisoner…nobody knew what had become of Thorin and Bilbo himself was following after, a small shadow among the greater shadows of the Trees. He had his ring, of course, and he had perfect faith in it, but naturally the real reason why the Elves never noticed him was because they were tall and he was small. It is not in the nature of Elves to Look Down.

As ascetically pleasing as seemingly trackless pathways and curving corridors are, every passageway, bridge and tunnel in the Woodland Realm had 'This Way' signs and 'You Are Here' maps on the walls, because even Elves have their blonde moments…even Elves can get lost. After some amount of poking around, Bilbo finally discovered Thorin and after the first joyful greeting, they both became glum again.

"You are a burglar," Thorin pointed out. "You are supposed to know how to steal things."

"I've never been asked to steal thirteen Dwarves out of an Elven dungeon," Bilbo replied a bit testily. Thorin deemed it wise not to press him and Bilbo, when the Dwarf failed to offer anything Cheering, decided to go off by himself, with his hands deep in his pockets, and Think Things Over.

It was when he was standing next to a window in a dark corner which overlooked a great waterfall, seriously wondering if Hobbits really didn't know how to swim, that he heard someone say his name. Turning, he spied the shadowed form of an old, old man, cloaked in gray and carrying the various accoutrements of a shoemaker.

"Excuse me?" Bilbo asked politely.

"It's me, you fool," Gandalf said, rising up to his full height and throwing back his hood.

"Gandalf!" Bilbo exclaimed, wondering if 'you fool' was a term of endearment.

"It is up to you to Save the Story," Gandalf said. "In a fit of exasperation, I told the Elven King that there is no better leather for shoes than Dwarf skin, due to its stubbornness and resistance to good sense."

"What do you mean?" Bilbo inquired.

"When I received word that you had got yourselves captured ( _again_ ), I smuggled myself into the Woodland Realm in the guise of a shoemaker," Gandalf replied, his patience thinning. "Really Bilbo, what _were_ you thinking? You might have had them all out of here by now."

"We might not have had to come here at all if you had not left us to travel Mirkwood alone," Bilbo couldn't help pointing out. It's easy to feel miffed when one is separated from one's friends (who are in dungeons with no hope of escape), and is being harangued by another of one's friends whom one feels is rather at fault for the whole thing in the first place.

"That was an emergency," Gandalf muttered heatedly. "I've had a new staff back-ordered for three years at the Workshop of Wizardry Things. You don't know how difficult it is to get a new one; my old one was developing a crack."

Bilbo's eyebrow rose ever so slightly (he had the expression from Thorin).

"Have you any Plan at all?" Gandalf asked, deciding to do the noble thing and Change the Subject.

"You won't like it," Bilbo said and at Gandalf's urging explained his Idea of packing the Dwarves in empty wine barrels and rolling them one by one into the River, "After all, it's really the only unguarded way out."

Gandalf hummed thoughtfully, then scuffed his shoe on the floor, "That," he said at last (a bit grudgingly), "Was the very Plan I had in mind."

Bilbo considered mentioning that Great Minds Think Alike, but decided against it at the last moment, "The only trouble is, I haven't a key to the wine cellar."

"There at least, I can help you," Gandalf said, drawing forth a skeleton key and handing it to Bilbo. "That will open any lock in this place. Now, get on with you…you will be out of here today if you hurry…and whatever you do, do not enter the Mountain without me."

"Won't you be there yourself, Gandalf?" Bilbo asked curiously.

"I have…pressing matters…I need to attend." Gandalf had been meaning to paint his porch all summer and time was getting on. With that (very dramatically, because Gandalf really believed that nothing was half worth doing if it wasn't Dramatic), he swung his cloak about him and receded down the corridor.

Bilbo looked at his key with part of a smile, then slipped it into his pocket. He might have been loopy, but he was nobody's fool.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I know Tolkien explained in other places what the pressing business was that was constantly taking Gandalf away just when the company needed him the most, but in _The Hobbit,_ we're pretty much left wondering. Gandalf's disappearances were an _almost_ too convenient way to drive the story forward, which is one reason why there are aspects of the Movies I like better than the books, because they incorporated reasons (not always very good reasons) why Gandalf was needed Elsewhere.

Thank you so much for your **reviews**! Most especially the guest, whom I cannot reply to directly.

~Psyche


	4. The Wizard of Smaug

The Wizard of Smaug

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 _The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another._

~J. M. Barrie

* * *

The Journey continued after the Barrel Incident and there was something to do with a place called Lake Town (which I do not recall with great clarity), and the Company continued grandly on to the Lonely Mountain until they had found the Hidden Door and were in an anteroom of the Dragon.

And it was just then that it actually occurred to Bilbo that there really was a Dragon and that he was to go and brave it all by himself. When Thorin turned to him with a flickering smile, Bilbo knew that his fate was nigh.

"Well, Master Baggins," the King Under the Mountain said. "The time has come; but we will not force you to fulfill your pledge."

Bilbo threw out his chest with a sudden feeling of courage, "It's fortunate I have my ring!"

"We can't let him do it. It's murder," Bofur shook his head sadly.

"Aye, that's my way of thinking," Balin added.

"It's in his contract," Thorin said when they looked to him. "We must let him do it. I will not do him the discourtesy of calling him a coward."

"That's it!" Dwalin exclaimed. "Let the lad prove himself!"

So Bilbo took a Deep Breath (and though Balin went some little way with him) he set out full of courage and utterly alone. The air, going down a little corridor, was so thick with smoke and steam that Bilbo couldn't help choking on it and it was a relief when he finally came to the end and stood looking out over the great Cavern, like a wanderer standing at the edge of the most magnificent precipice known to Man.

There were heaps and heaps of gold, glittering dully and seeming to go on forever. With cautious feet, Bilbo stepped into the Cavern and began to walk, looking this way and that for something that might be called an Arkenstone, because Thorin had told him something of it before he had gone in; that it was of great value and ought to be found.

There was still no sign of the dragon, but as Bilbo crunched over costly gold and looked up at arrays of weapons and armor more wonderful and exquisite than anything he had yet seen, coins shifted by his feet began to dance and scatter down mountains of gold, running in a shining wave like a river to a sea. Suddenly a rumbling echoed in the cavern and frozen against the wall, Bilbo looked up to see a Dragon where no dragon had been a moment before.

It was Terrible and Huge, rippling against the smoke and steam like cloud-scales in an evening sky. Fire seemed to leap from its eyes as it turned, peering into the darkness, blood-red mouth agape and hungry.

"It is no use, little one," a great, booming, terrifying voice echoed through the cave, "I can _see_ you."

The smell of smoke was very strong now and the dragon shifted, seeming to shoot out long streamers of fire. From a small, dark corner above, one golden sovereign, jostled loose, struck Bilbo in the forehead and instantly knocked some sense into his head. There was something very wrong with the Dragon.

"I can see _you_ , too!" Bilbo squeaked nonsensically.

But his words were truer than you might expect.

Up above one rather larger pile of gold, in that same dark corner from whence the sovereign had come, there were a few curtains hung up to form a sort of tent and from it were emitting small scuffling and snuffling sorts of sounds…and a sneeze, a sneeze which burst like sparks from a firecracker.

"Who are you?" the dragon boomed impressively from his great height.

"I might ask _you_ the same question!" Bilbo said, and stepping quickly forward, ripped away one of the curtains to reveal…a very little dragon.

The dragon was only about three feet long with bright green scales and sad eyes. There was a sort of panel with buttons behind him and flipping a switch with his tail, the light from the big dragon on top of the gold was suddenly extinguished.

"Don't eat me!" the little dragon quavered at Bilbo.

"I am not in the habit of eating anyone," Bilbo replied. "Are _you_ Smaug, The Great and Terrible?"

"Yes!" the little dragon sniffed…then burst into tears.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Rose has been after me to post this, so here it be. This chapter is the first one that I came up with, when I began to wonder what would have happened if Smaug was either dead when the Dwarves arrived, or not quite what they expected. One more chapter to go after this!

~Psyche

P.S. Anybody scream at the top of your lungs while watching the Belmont?


	5. The Retreat of the Five Armies

The Retreat of the Five Armies

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 _The better part of valour is discretion._

~ William Shakespeare

* * *

The Dwarves had watched their Master Burglar creep down the tunnel with apprehension in their hearts. They had grown to like the little fellow and several of them were on the verge of racing down and bringing him back. But they were in the Mountain, their ancient home, and the feeling of Home worked upon them until they thought they would do anything to have it back again.

It was about that time that Gandalf made his appearance.

The Old Stories no doubt tell about how Gandalf didn't arrive until later and Lake Town burned and Bard killed the Dragon, but these are all stories. Minstrels have never been known for their honesty.

"Where is Bilbo?" Gandalf asked immediately.

"He has gone to spy out the Dragon," Thorin replied.

"Oh dear," Gandalf said.

I think they were all very surprised (except Bomber, who was asleep, and Gandalf, who had reasons of his own) when Bilbo came back so quickly. He was whistling cheerfully with his hands in his pockets and behind him trotted (rather shyly) a very little Dragon.

"You mean we were chased out of the Mountain and the city of Dale was destroyed by…by _that_?" Bomber exclaimed with incredulity, suddenly waking up.

Smaug snuffed (snuffing is something dragons do), "I'm not _so_ small," he said in hurt tones. "I thought I did the job rather well."

"What is the meaning of this, Gandalf?" Thorin asked, turning to the Wizard. Gandalf may have stood a foot taller than the Dwarf, but the intensity of the king's stare was so powerful, he swayed as if he'd been struck with a battering ram.

"Naturally, I hired our friend, here," Gandalf said. "The old Dragon, _Pryftan,_ who destroyed Dale, died long ago and something had to be done to protect Erebor before someone with no right claimed it. I did what I thought best."

"But why didn't you _tell_ us?" Thorin thundered (good alliteration there, eh?).

Gandalf preened slightly; he attempted to look modest, "Professional pride?"

Thorin rolled his eyes.

It was after this that the armies began to descend upon the Mountain. They were after the gold, of course, and Thorin knew it. There were only thirteen of the Dwarves, but all thirteen were determined to defend their Home to the Death.

"There's only one problem with this place," Smaug said, sneezing loudly (and shooting sparks in all directions), as they all stood at the gates of the Mountain, overlooking the armies of Men and Elves. "It gives one a nasty gold in the head."

"A gold in the head?" Bilbo asked curiously.

"I believe it's called 'dragon sickness," Smaug continued. "Has something to do with the dust. I hate catching golds."

And that is why Thorin was rather grumpier than usual; he had caught the gold from Smaug and was feeling miserable. And it's hard to be an imposing King under the Mountain when one is constantly blowing one's nose. He was even more annoyed when an envoy from the Town of Men rode up and declared their intentions.

"I will give you what I promised you," Thorin called down, "But not while you stand armed at my gate. Go back to your camping place and rethink your coming. I will be fair to you if you will be fair to me."

That was when the Goblins arrived, for they, too, wanted gold. Thorin, after a muttered conference with Gandalf and a nod at Smaug, went out to see what they had to say. I needn't bother recounting it, for it was neither witty, nor wise. Thorin, on the other hand, pulled himself to his full height (which was diminutive) and said: "Smaug the Dragon has signed articles with us; flee before it is too late, or feel his wrath." The Goblin army wavered noticeably, but held fast and Gandalf, who was rather good with fireworks, let off one of his better ones: a red dragon with great, outstretching wings and fire bursting from its mouth. It is rumored, even today, that the Goblin army is still running.

There is only one thing left to be recounted (after the portioning of the gold, which was done very fairly) and that is of the Arkenstone. Bilbo had found it almost at once and on coming out of the Dragon's Lair, had handed it to Thorin. It was round, like a globe of glass and seemed to have snow whirling at its heart. After Thorin looked at it for some while, he passed it on to the next Dwarf.

"It's odd how one's memory plays tricks," Thorin said. "I remembered something far more wonderful than that."

"If you wind it up, it plays a tune," Bilbo pointed out the key sticking out of the globe.

Ori wound it up. I'm not sure if you are familiar with 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star', but that is the tune it played.

And that is the very end of the story; Smaug and Bilbo still live at Bag-End for aught I know. Bilbo is often seen out walking his pet Dragon on a leash and it is rumored that Smaug has set up a detective agency and has a blog called "The Science of Combustion". But this is strictly confidential. I know I can trust you not to spread it around.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** There, that's the end of it. I hope it wasn't too disappointing. Part of this sprang into being when I read that in early drafts of The Hobbit, Smaug was originally called _Pryftan,_ which is Welsh for "Worm of Fire".

~Psyche

PS: It ought to be noted that plush versions of Smaug are available from the gift shop, which is situated through that door to your right...no, not that one; that's the exit...oh, fine, be that way...Goodbye to you, too.


End file.
